My name is Peter and I need your vote.

The first bill I'd write as a legislator would require anyone who installs IR sensor water faucets in any building to also outfit their own home with the exact same faucets and use them exclusively until the end of time. I expect any amount of real consideration would have stopped anyone from thinking short-range, sensor-activated gym showers were a reasonable thing. I don't like pretending I'm stealing the NOC list from the world's most secure rec center every time I want to rinse off. I get less of a core workout from swimming there than I do trying to achieve a suitable shower while keeping my body within three inches of a wall that probably has MRSA on it.

I love when sports commentators tell you how great an athlete someone is. "This guy is a tremendous athlete." "She excels because of her amazing athleticism." I already know they're great athletes—they're playing sports on national TV.

I think SportsCenter's target demographic is "males aged 12 to 29 eating cereal". Which is why I'm surprised it doesn't feature more commercials for cereal.

An early comparison review of "The Karate Kid"

After seeing nothing more than an ad on the side of a bus:
1984 Karate Kid production info: Starred Japanese-American Pat "The Hip Nip" Morita as Mr. Miyagi, who teaches karate to a kid.

2010 Karate Kid production info: Stars Jackie "You Might Remember Me From 'Rush Hour' (and not much else)" Chan, Hong Kong-born international movie star and practitioner of Kung Fu/Wushu (as well as many less common Fu's, such as "Ladder-Fu").

After watching the trailer:
1984 Karate Kid background: After a cross-country move to Reseda, Daniel "Ralph Macchio" LaRusso (actually in his twenties at the time) was a high-school sophomore getting his ass kicked by Johnny "I'll decide when he's had enough!" Lawrence and crew on a regular basis. In the middle of one of these beatings, unassuming old Mr. Miyagi hops a fence Navy SEAL style and throws the karate hammer down against those Aryan brotherhood jocks. Mr. Miyagi then teaches Ralph to be the twitchiest karate fighter in all San Fernando Valley.

2010 Karate Kid background: A presumably 10-year old Jaden "No Choice But To Be Famous" Smith moves to China and gets the elementary school version of Yellow Fever, but some mean-looking Chinese kids mistake this movie for an 80's teen drama and flip his lunch tray in the cafeteria. Then, Jackie Chan beats on some pre-teens in what must be the most lopsided street fight since those guys antagonized some cross-dressing cage fighters (and don't tell me that Jackie Chan is older than Pat Morita was in the original—Pat Morita was a constant 70 years old from 1975 until his death in 2005). Jackie Chan decides to teach Kung Fu to young Jaden, thus dispelling any crazy rumors about this film potentially having something to do with karate.

After Watching the Movie:
1984 Karate Kid plot summary: The rest of the movie is a Joe Esposito music montage of twitchiness, ass-kickery, not being kept down by anything, being the best around, and never stopping until reaching the top.

2010 Karate Kid plot summary prediction: It's going to be terrible.

I guess now we can all look forward to The Next Next Karate Kid, likely featuring Chuck Norris punching some babies before teaching Tae Kwon Do to a 2-year-old girl.

My skills are so demonstrable they should call me Abe Van Helsing.

I'm not sure where they get off calling it "Top Ramen". In most any hierarchical ranking of foodstuffs imaginable, it would surely be at the very bottom. It's not on 'top' of anything—in the great food chain of foods, every other thing you can eat is above it.

Don't even get me started on that leather punch.

Seriously, who's scaling a fish with their Swiss Army knife? If you're planning on fishing and doing the scaling yourself, I'd like to hope you have a more purpose-built fish scaling tool to do the job—not some keychain afterthought. No one invests money in poles, permits, and bait and then leaves the prep to a fold-out scaler/ruler/toothpick/magnifying glass. 'Here, I can scale the fish with this little bit, then gut it with this 1½-inch blade, then we can cook it over these lit matches.' It must be an add-on aimed at the "often finds oneself mired in totally impromptu fish-scaling situations" crowd, which has to be one of the smallest target markets in the history of product selling.

For me, haircuts work in the opposite way that I presume they're supposed to. I walk into the place looking pretty good, and I walk out looking pretty ridiculous, hoping for speedy regrowth so that I can return to looking pretty good as soon as possible. How is this a service that I pay money for? At least the money in question amounts to as little as $8.99, thanks to Great Clips' current "haircut sale", going on now (at least at my neighborhood location). At this point, some of you may be reading "$8.99 haircut" and thinking you've discovered the root of the problem. And you're almost certainly right. But with my system, the worst I ever look is on the walk from the chair back to my apartment. With each shower and each passing day, I look better and better. It's like reverse aging. Or like regular aging in a society filled with women who like older men. So you might say I have all bases covered. And that's certainly worth my nine bucks (plus a generous tip).

"She took a giant shit on my face...literally."

I've decided that unsolicited relationship advice is the new format of my blog. At least for today.

I'm all about giving humbling advice when it's due—I think it's a good idea to knock people down a few pegs every once in a while. All that high self-esteem stuff they bandied about during elementary school has inflated the aggregate self-esteem beyond a reasonable level. Sometimes it does you good to know that you're completely wrong.

Anyway, back to that "perfect person" stuff. It's not to say people can't be ideal for one another, but I guarantee that you'll never find your "perfect" mate. Never will anyone find someone who is exactly as they imagined all along. You'll always hate something about someone, and they'll never act just like you wish they would. But I, for one, consider that a great thing, because sometimes I find out I don't even know what I actually want. I say all this because it seems that girls are much more likely to think the person they're with is the perfect one (and latch onto him like he's the only lifeboat on a sinking ship), and guys are quite likely to think the person they're with isn't (and search for/act upon other leads at every opportunity).

By now it's probably obvious that I have a knack for unique relationship insight and advice. And if you thought all of the above struck the right chord, then check out these simple dating rules, complete with easy-to-understand metaphors for easy understanding:

Rule 1: Don't date someone you like.
Dating someone you like is like strapping model rocket engines to your roller blades. It sounds awesome, and it is for between 2 and 6 seconds, but in the end you're just setting yourself up for an awesome disaster. You're much better off dating someone you hate. That way, once they get to know the real you and they inevitably find out that they hate you, it's okay because you already hate them too.

Rule 2: Don't date anyone you find attractive.
Dating someone attractive is like buying a Christmas tree on December 23rd. A week goes by, and you've discovered it has no business being in or around your house anymore, but it's so nice looking you can't bring yourself to dump it yet. Pick someone a lot more mediocre-looking for an easier, worry-free break when the time comes to end it. Jimmy Soul knew what was up.

Rule #3: Don't date anyone.
Dating is like being in a stressful situation—it's really stressful. It uses up a lot of valuable time and money, you have to make a lot of compromises, you have to break up, and then you have to relive the whole experience when you recount the story of the breakup to everyone you know. It's an endeavor fraught with dangers and pitfalls. The best idea is to steer clear.

Check back frequently for more insider dating tips and tricks!