Cut-rate journalism and lots of pictures - it's like USA Today

Hopefully to offset the distinct lack of updating I've put into What Chu Talking About, I present GAFFI's foray into arguably real reporting. It's more the kind of news that falls into your lap and hopefully comes as no surprise to sensible people, but I'm counting it anyway. As I'm prone to do, I will present it as an informal and unprofessional narrative:

So I was on facebook the other day, my mind pacing around the idea of deleting all of my 'friends' over the age of 26, when I found the following sidebar of advertisements (everyone knows the ads over there are some of the most pertinent you'll find):

If you aren't the type of person who is deterred by pictures in which no one's hands match the skin tone of their faces, you might've thought you found the secret U.S. grant jackpot. I was interested in getting my free grants as soon as possible, so I went down the list. For some craaazy reason, I took a screen shot of each website, just in case they weren't still live by the time I got around to writing this post. The top link took me to Mike's Money Matters, a great blog run by Mike Donahue, in which he outlines how he "when from being broke to completely paying off [his] debt in 30 days" by filling out online forms that qualified him for a "free $12,000 Financial Aid Check from the US Government":

I was a little confused as to why the big check on the front page was addressed to a "Jeffrey Donahue" instead of Mike (and why that part of the check was blurred out when I checked back a couple days later), but I trusted Mike:

I figured he was just such a mensch that he was writing this PSA on behalf of his younger brother or something. But just to be sure I was getting the best advice possible, it was on to link number two, where I found Dustin's Dollars:

It was a different blog with different colors, but the text was word-for-word from Mike's blog! Clearly, this Dustin Mathis wanted a piece of the wealth-spreading, good-feeling pie, but he couldn't do any better than ripping off poor Mike Donahue. He even used the same picture of Mike's brother's check (though I wondered how he was able to make it into a wider shot--I immediately gave this Dustin a couple of points for his photoshop wizardry). Clearly dismayed by this pathetic attempt to ride on Mike's golden coattails, I tried my luck with link number three, Kevin Gets Grants:

And instantly I was sent into a tailspin of incredulity. The picture said Mike, but the words said Kevin!

All the copy was the same as in the previous blogs, so I assumed it was just a ripoff even more pathetic than Dustin's--but upon closer inspection, I found some incredible evidence. Looking to the big picture of the check, I noticed that it was not only the wider-view version, but that it was actually made payable to Kevin Hoeffer! This blog had it all--the words, the big check picture, the right name on the check--and it all became clear in an instant: Kevin Hoeffer was the real mastermind, and Mike Donahue was just some sorry sap who couldn't even spell his own name right. Content with my own findings, I decided right away to send Kevin my $1.99 (for shipping and handling) to see if I qualified for my own shady looking check. I'm confident that any day now I'll receive all the tools I need to start getting my free money.

Afterword:
Like any well-researched report, this one took a great deal of time to complete. I recently checked back to these blogs, and I was astounded to find that both Dustin's Dollars and the original Kevin Gets Grants no longer existed! And even my attempts to get back to Mike's Money Matters were met with a stern "Sorry, no posts matched your criteria." The site was still live, however, so I ventured to the home page to see what Mike was up to these days.

Likely spurred by the inevitability of this scathing report, Mike apparently gave up his shenanigans and got into some legitimate blogging. I was pleased to see he was actually trying his hand at some good, old-fashioned hard work. I was oh-so tempted to start making $7,000 per month from home, but I already sent my $1.99 to Kevin for the grants package (which you don't have to pay back or even do any work for, so I think I got the better deal).

And honestly, I don't even want to try and rationalize this.